Knowing What We Are

It seems to me that the knowing of oneself is of the greatest importance. But the knowing must be relative to age, experience and introspection. At twenty I thought I knew myself, but I was only on the road. I was beginning to process options and with the beginning of each new viewpoint or project I felt like this is it, this is who I am. Then when I moved on to something else I thought, well that was not really me, but this is. I was painting some then, watercolor and ink mostly. I was reading everthing still, without much descrmination and with a solid preference for fiction. I went to church and over a number of years filled various roles in that context, I taught Sunday School, served on commitees, sang in the choir.

About 25 I stopped painting, I did not believe that I would ever attain enough technical skill to be anything but a Sunday painter. Over the next years I went to school, changed religious focus, started reading non-fiction in earnest. Then I entered the adult workforce in a serious sort of way and only read legal and religious material. Those were happy years that gave me a break from feeling like a failure. Then at about 33 I had mastered my work and needed more, again I shifted religious focus and added photography and design to my life.

At forty I started painting again. My religious focus changed again and I started reading fiction again in small doses. At forty five I was still painting, no longer feeling that I could not master technique, reading deeply still in design, and with a modified, though not totally changed religious focus.

Now, the modified religious focus is pretty solid, the painting is going very well, the reading is mostly art.

So at twenty I would have said "I am an artist, I am a liberal christian, I read".
At twenty five or so I would have said "I am a christian, I study, I read".
Then at twenty nine I wiould have said "I am a paralegal, I read for my work".
At thirty three I would say "I am a photographer, I am a pagan, I read"
At forty I would say "I paint, I study color and design, I am B'nai Noch"
At forty five I would say "I am a painter, I look at and study art, I am a religous person"

Now, I say simply "I am a painter"

So, I did know what I was at each stage, but I was still learning and trying things on. Even now, I cannot say with any faith that in ten years I will still say "I am a painter". I don't see it now, but maybe then I will say "I am a sculpter" or "I write graphic novels". At twenty I did not see where I would be now, but looking back I can see how everything that came before directly formed what I am now.